my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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