True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
