highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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