Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
