i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
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