My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I have aggressive nipples.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
