I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize