My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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