i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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