Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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