New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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