...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
