Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
