I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
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You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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