HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
