I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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