I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
