I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
