This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
