he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
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A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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