So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
