So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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