Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
