Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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