Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
