We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
