I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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