Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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