I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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