every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
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I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
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had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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