Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you didnt know i had herpes?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
