I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Someone came in the potted fern
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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