Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
NoShamevember. You game?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
