and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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