im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
