No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
