Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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