I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
