I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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