I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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