I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
