Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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