If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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