We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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