My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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