i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
