You smell like a Billy Joel song
Girls should come with a carfax report
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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