Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
