I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
