Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
