can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
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