apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
