My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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