matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
