I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
