i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
