I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
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I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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