I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
