It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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