....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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