i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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